43

When I wake up tomorrow, I will be 43 years old.  So weird.

It won't be an exciting day.  Dingus is in SD for business, kids will be at school and then home for homework.  And I'm just not feeling it.  I'm not feeling anything really, but paralyzing anxiety.

Its not been this bad in a very, very long time.  Bad enough that I bawled my eyes out for hours today, after finally calling my doctor to ask for meds.  After calling a therapist I saw a few years ago, making an appointment for next week.

I think the lack of sun, the grey skies really gets to me.  When I think about what is going on, what I am anxious about... its about being anxious.  Its about losing control, not feeling in control.  Hello... I'm a control freak!

I've not been working out much.  I don't feel up for the gym.  Did you hear me?  Not up for working out... this is a very bad sign.

I'm going to workout tomorrow.  I'm going to nap.  I'm going to stop being so hard on myself and my mental state.  Its not like I "picked" the chemical imbalance of anxiety.

So, hopefully when I wake up, some of this will have lifted and I can smile at 43.